If you have a few minutes to kill.

[deanl]

Hey there.

If your intrested here is an early draft of a comedy we are making. Its the first time me and a friend of mine have ever worked on a script togather. Tell me what you think.

There may be spelling mistakes and all kinds of terrible stuff in this draft. If it annoys you that much stop reading.

The finished movie is looking at being about 20 minutes long.

Enjoy.

Or fuckin hate the choice is yours.


INT. BEDROOM -EVENING

We are inside a very tidy bedroom. There are selected
CLASSIC MOVIE POSTERS on the walls. There is asmall
STEREO HI-FI and a PORTABLE TV. In the centre of the
room leaning against the wall and next to a large CLOTHES
WARDROBE is a Large DOUBLE BED. The two doors of the
WARDROBE are open, but they are partially blocking our
view of what's inside.

We hear noises coming from the inside of the WARDROBE.

Suddenly MAX HIGGINS comes stumbling out. HE is wearing a
washing piny/apron; HE is carrying a large collection of
Magazines. He's obviously been tiding up.

MAX is 23 years old. He's a good-looking guy who has an air
of responsibility about him. Hence, him actually bothering to
tidy his room.

He drops the collection of MAGAZINES onto the bed and we see
for the first time they are all PORN MAGAZINES.

Max stands back admiring his varied collection. He emits a
sheepish smile.

MAX
This could well be a record. I
don't think I've ever had this many
birds on my bed before.
(Thinking to himself)
Could you class this as an orgy? I
mean there are four of you and one
of me, I could crack open the KY,
dim the lights, warm the old
Higgins right-hander.

We hear the DOOR BELL ring, followed by some frantic door
knocking

MAX
Shit!

Max rushes to hide the porn magazines under the sheets and
goes to answer the door.

INT. LOUNGE -EVENING

Max walks through the tidy lounge. He picks up a CAN OF BEER
from the Coffey table and heads for the front door.

INT. FRONT DOOR -EVENING

Max opens the door to see his best mate CLINT SMITH. CLINT is
22 years old and dressed for a night out on the town. He
pulls a funny face at Max when he sees him.

CLINT
Well would you look at this ball
and chain lovin'muva fucker. What's
up with you Snoop? You look like
your expecting the police to bust
in and charge you for perving.

MAX
What the fuck are you doing here?
It's only 6:30 where not going out
till 8? I'm in the middle of
something man bad timing.

CLINT
Whoa! What's up? You jerkin off or
summet? Pulling your pud before we
hit the city eh? Not that old
tactic...

MAX
What? Me? Jerkin? Don't be silly.
I've got the KYM now haven't I?
I'll leave the amateur shenanigans
to the likes you boy'o's. Ha ha
ha...

CLINT
Tell me about it. So what are you
actually doing in their? What's so
important that your old school
buddy has to stand out here holding
his pink cucumber?

MAX
I was just sprucing the gaff up a
bit, making the place more homely
and that. It's a one man operation
mate.

CLINT
Homely? Are you having a laugh?
More womanly you mean if KYM'S got
anything to do with it?

MAX
No, no not necessarily. This manly
domain is still ruled by a bloke
King. Sort of...

CLINT
(Sniggers)
Fuck, if you've put any plants or
anything pink in that lounge I have
permission to chop your spuds off
and declare you half women. It's
says so in the official blokes'
dictionary, page 69 lines 4-5. I
won't let you turn this place into
a puffs parlour on the count of a
woman.

MAX
Me? Pink and plants? That'll be the
day. I'd sooner have the opp than
resort to shit like that. KYM knows
her place and knows better to act
all pink and fluffy and shit. Come
on mate do you expect any dodgy
antics like that coming from the 4
times Cock & Beaver Inn drinking
champion? Surely a rubber stamp of
a mans true manliness...

CLINT
OK, I'll let you off? this time.
(beat)
Oh, and erm, why are you pissing
about doing this now I thought KYM
was coming round in the morning to
move in and more importantly help
you recover from this all-mighty
piss up where going on tonight?

MAX
She wants me to sort the house out
whilst I mentally and physically
can. Me pist and a house that looks
like Bin Landen's weekend cave
retreat ain't gonna go down to well
on our first day together is it?
She might even get a flyer and come
home early tonight, and I've
already told her its sorted, hence
me running round like a blue arse
fly. If KYM found out I was telling
porkies, she'd be putting them
balls in a gravy ball stew.

CLINT
Cool. Right speaking of balls. I'm
freezing me dick off out here can I
come in now or what?

Clint does come in. Max rushes into the lounge and removes
the potted plant from the mantelpiece and the quaint pinkish
beanbag Kym ordered him to put in the lounge.

MAX
You want a beer?

CLINT
I wouldn't say no.

MAX
Well, you know where the fridge is.

CLINT
(Tutt's)
Cheeky Bar-steward.

MAX
I might be cheeky, but I ain't your
bar-steward.

CLINT
Man, what's eating Gilbert Grape?

MAX
Shit, sorry mate,I think I'm
finally realizing what's happening
tomorrow. I'm growing up fast Clint
and my world ain't catching up with
me.

CLINT
What the fuck are you worrying
about? You got a great woman, a
nice house and mates who'll look
after you till the end. Put some
shades on, the future's looking
bright for masseur Higgins's and
his female companion.

MAX
You might have half a brain cell in
that head of yours, but sometimes
you speak some serious sense.

CLINT
How true. Tell the ladies I'm not
just a big cock after all.
(Points both his hands
towards his genital
region)
I do have more strings on my OBO.

MAX
Yeah, erm, OK.

CLINT
Spread the gospel, my Pedigree
chum.

Clint heads for the kitchen and disappears out of sight.

MAX
Anyway's, I've just got to do
something, finish that job off.
I'll be back with you in a minute.
OK?

CLINT
(From the kitchen)
Lord, If you must.

Max heads back to his bedroom.

INT. BEDROOM -EVENING

Max rushes to the bed and pulls the sheets back to reveal all
of his magazines. He grabs a black bin liner from the floor
and starts to put the magazines into it.

CLINT
(Out of shot)
Fuck this, come on man what you
doing in there, you can't leave
your guests twiddling their thumbs--

MAX
--I'll be right out. Stay there
man. Theirs an erm, infestation,
maggots, I mean ants. Shit.
(thinks to him self what
am I saying)

Clint ignores Max's request and walks into the room catching
Max in the process of bagging his filth ridden magazines.

CLINT
You dirty bastard, I new it. Looks
like someone's been having maggot
problems after all? and from the
looks of this shouldn't you be
putting that schumtter in a museum?
I mean look at the chops on that
one? Vintage muff ain't my bag.

CLINT point to some God-awful amateur muff merchant.

MAX
I was trying to get rid of these
before Kym gets here. I don't want
her thinking I'm some chuffin
pervert do I?

Clint comes and sits on the bed and starts flicking through
one of the magazines.

CLINT
Mate she's seen the infamous perv
movie from Amsterdam. Will you
chill out?

MAX
That was a set up; I thought I was
frolicking in the bushes with 19
year-old Dutch lady student, not
one off the local action girls.
Mate I'm nervous, I just wanna be
prepared for touch down, what is it
the scouts say, "Fail to prepare,
prepare to fail"?

CLINT
The scouts? Your beginning to sound
like a girl-fuckin-guide. There
only slop mag's, anyway she
probably secretly dig's em, you now
what office sluts are like?

MAX
Mate your talking about my future
misses.

CLINT
Oh yeah sorry man. Got a bit taken
away with all this ancient muff on
show, I mean it's an international
muff circus!
(Points at various covers)
Look we got white pussy, black
pussy, Spanish pussy, hot pussy,
hairy pussy,
(Points at a particularly
ugly bird on a cover)
I bet she's gotta smelly pussy, we
got the works here don.

MAX
Look there you go again, quoting
the flicks. You've only been here
ten minutes are your off.

CLINT
What are you on about?

MAX
Your unoriginal dumb ass. If it's
not Star wars or Lord Of The Rings
it's Tarrantino and his latest
blood bath. You do it all the-

CLINT
Enough! You're chapping me ass you
condescending shite.

MAX
(Sarcastic)
Oh, hit a nerve their touchy
touchy...

CLINT
(Joking)
I should kick-yo ass for mocking me
and even contemplating getting rid
of all this funky merchandise. Your
one strange freaky porn loving
weirdo Max I'll grant you that.

MAX
They have got to go. It breaks me
heart?

CLINT
Man I can't believe you, giving up
your collection for a girl. What is
the world coming too?

MAX
Clint were getting married. She's
not just some bit on the side
anymore. Where moving to the next
level. No more of this "ladz" crap.

CLINT
Next level? What about us? Keep it
real man.

MAX
What do you mean what about us?
Well I know what you mean but--

CLINT
--But, but what am I gonna do?
Where am I gonna hang out? I can't
play ISS forever on me Todd, I need
multi-player mayhem!

MAX
I'm not getting into this again.
Anyway you can come round at
weekends and muck about. I might
even build us both a tree house eh,
how does that sound?

Clint's uninterested in Max's sarcastic remarks.

MAX
Look mate, we said we were going
out tonight to close a chapter.
It's not just me and KYM moving on,
where going in a new direction too.
These are exciting times for both
of us.

Long beat.

CLINT
Yeah, man your right. We've got to
celebrate your last night as a free
man.

MAX
Exactly. So are you going to help
me bag these birds or what?

Clint goes over and helps Max fill the bag with the
magazines.

CLINT
Man, this one looks like your mom,
hey, can I keep it?

MAX
Hmm, No.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

INT. LOUNGE -EVENING

Clint sits on the SOFA still drinking a can of Larger. He
watches TV and waits for Max who is in the other room.

CLINT
The clock is ticking Captain Pervo.
The taxi is gonna be here any
second.

MAX
(O.S)
OK. OK. I'm coming. Chill out you
eager vodka drinking beaver.

Max enters the lounge. He is now smartly dressed and ready
for a night on the piss.

MAX
So where shall we go tonight then?
I'm thinking SPUNKIES till twelve
then dance the night away in
BOGULE'S DISCOTECH?

CLINT
It's your call, sounds grand, I
don't mind mate. As longs as the
pints and pussy are in equal
measures.

MAX
Listen my vulgar friend. Your on
your own tonight on the ladies
front, I'm their solely for the
tipple, no more pissing about from
me.

CLINT
Yeah right, once you've had your
fill theirs no stopping you, fuckin
Stringfellow the second.

MAX
B.S.

CLINT
Face it, its all true.

MAX
I'm as honest as a Mormon. I
Haven't had another bird since I
met KYM.

Suddenly the phone rings from the other side of the room.

CLINT
Speak of the she devil..

Max heads to the phone and picks it up.

MAX
(Into the phone)
Hello. Oh. Hi babe.
(To Clint)
It's KYM.

CLINT
Respect my pshycic ass. I'm using
your crapper. I can't listen to you
two soppy loves birds, correction
'turd's', talk mush.

CLINT exits the lounge.

MAX
(Into the phone to KYM)
Where are you?

INT. OFFICE -EVENING

KYM is a 21-year-old woman. MAX'S bride-to-be. A fine looking
blonde lady. She sits at a desk and talks down the phone.

KYM
I'm still at work. I'm staying back
with MANDY; the work experience lad
messed up the IT system. I'm going
to be here all night. And I though
I could have had a flyer tonight,
oh well...

INT. LOUNGE -EVENING

MAX
You're joking? I hope your not
going to be to late tomorrow, I
wanted to wake up next to you my
love bumpkin.

INT. OFFICE -EVENING

KYM
Oh baby. We should be getting away
about 10:30. We've got to wait for
technician to come and, you know,
do his thing.

MAX
Can't you let MANDY stay on her
tod?

KYM
In the office all night? That's a
bit shitty don't you think?

MAX
Its a special time for us, she'll
understand.

KYM
I know it's a special time for us,
but she's a friend and I can't
leave her in the lurch. It's a
shame I cant come over tonight but,
sadly, that's dopey students for
ya. Oh and by the way did you pick
up those plants and that pinkish
beanbag from my Mothers?

INT. LOUNGE -EVENING

MAX
Erm, erm, yes course I did. The
tasteful plant stand's proudly on
the mantelpiece and as-a-matter-of
fact, I'm sat on that lovely
pinkish beanbag as I speak.
(He isn't)
Its really nice isn't it; the feel
of fur on your skin is really cosy.

CLINT comes into the lounge; MAX acts all bullish and clears
his throat man-style.

KYM
Are you OK?

MAX
Why yes, just a
(coughs)
Man cold.

Clint thinks he's missing out on something and decides to
butt in.

CLINT
(Shouting for KYM to here)
I think he caught that from "Lisa
the leper" down The Cock & Beaver
last night.

MAX
(Covering the phone and
talking to Clint)
Will you shut the fuck up? Your
gonna get me in the shit.

INT. OFFICE -EVENING

KYM
I take it Clint's there.

INT. LOUNGE -EVENING

MAX
Yep. You remember, were going out
tonight, one last jolly boys
outing?

INT. OFFICE -EVENING

KYM
Oh yes. He's not staying tonight is
he? I can't have your pet baboon
pissing about in the morning,
sleeping walking all over the
place, tomorrows a special day
remember. I might be early...
(Pause)
Look babe I've got to ask you
something.

INT LOUNGE -EVENING

MAX
What's up?

We here a taxi bib its horn from outside.

CLINT
Taxi's here.

MAX
(To Clint)
OK. One-minute man.

CLINT
Hurry up Max these fuckin taxis'
wont wait all night. And I'm damned
if I'm ringing another one, them
birds on the taxi line are ruff as
fuck. They keep chatting me up...

INT OFFICE -EVENING

KYM
Look honey. I've got a big, big
favour to ask of you.

INT LOUNGE -EVENING

MAX
What, Fire away.

CLINT
(Singing)
The taxi is going to leave. The
taxi is going to leave. The taxi is
going to leave.

MAX
(TO KYM)
What's up? What's the favour? Are
you there?

The phone has gone dead. We see Clint has unplugged the phone
line.

INT OFFICE -EVENING

KYM
Hello?
(Beat)
Max?

INT LOUNGE -EVENING

MAX
Hello?

Max sees what Clint has done.

MAX
You really are a class A Moppet.
She could have wanted to get some
stuff for tomorrow, for a meal or
something or even buy some choc--

CLINT
Look I'm not sorry. You have the
rest of your OTT loved up lives to
talk shite to each other. Rather
than doing it now and eating up our
drinking time. So come on man lets
get this cab and hit tiles.

MAX
You're a cheeky cunt. She was about
to ask me something special.

CLINT
Yeah to take a vow of celibacy.
Oops forgot. She asked you to marry
her last week.

MAX
Yeah, yeah. You don't know what
we've got. Something special.

CLINT
Jesus Christ Dawson. Let her ask in
the morning.

MAX
That's it. I'm going to have to
drink your soft arse under the
table tonight just to shut your
whining grid up.

CLINT
(Smiling)
Now where talkin.

MAX
Come on lets go.

Max and Clint leave the lounge into the hall CLOSE UP of the
front door slamming shut.

FREEZE ON THE DOOR

THE FOLLOWING TEXT IS PRINTED ON THE SCREEN LETTER BY LETTER
IN A TYPE WRITER STYLE/FORMAT:

BACARDI BREEZERS

PINTS OF STELLA ARTIOS (EACH)

MORE BACARDI BREEZERS

DOUBLE VODKA AND RED BULLS

DRANBUI SHORTS, WITH THE FLAMES AND STRAW

BAGS OF DRY ROASTED PEANUTS

MORE PINTS OF STELLA

BAGS OF PRAWN COCKTAIL CRISP

LARGE DONNA KEBAB

LARGE MIX GRILLE + 1 PORTION OF ONION RINGS

PACKET OF JAMMY DODGERS

AND ONE LARGE CUCUMBER

(PAUSE)

TO GO, LATER?

THE DOOR BURST'S OPEN. MAX AND CLINT STAGGER INTO THE HALL
WAY, FIRING PARTY POPPERS AND GENERALLY ACTING DAFT.

STILL ON THE DOOR THEY BOTH GO INTO THE LOUNGE. AGAIN IN THE
LOUNGE (OFF CAMERA) WE HEAR THEM ACTING DAFT, CHANTING
FOOTBALL SONGS AND MAKING SILLY NOISES. THE LIGHTS ARE BEING
FLICKED ON AND OFF.

CLINT
(O.S)
Hey look, it's Judge Judy!

MAX
(Groggily)
Cool?

We now hear nothing; they are obviously sat down watching an
engrossing episode of Judge Judy.

Suddenly loud snoring is heard O.S.

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE IN:

INT. LOUNGE -MORNING

It's early morning. The lounge is the exact opposite to what
is was the night before. It looks like a bomb has hit it.
There are takeaway wrappers all over the floor. There is a
half eaten kebab on the table. There are beer cans scattered
around the room.

On the sofa is Max. He is wearing just his shorts and a T
shirt. He looks in a very bad way. His jacket covers him up.

On the other side of the room is Clint. Clint is fully
clothed and is sat up strait in a chair. He could be mistaken
for being awake but on closer inspection its clear that he's
asleep. His left eye is half open. It looks very strange. But
other than this Clint looks in no worse a shape than he did
the night before.

Clint eventually wakes first and takes in his surroundings.
He sees Max sleeping on the sofa and checks out the state of
the room. He gives a sly smile.

He sits up and looks around his feet for something. He spots
an empty larger can. He picks it up and launches it across
the room at Max's head. It's a perfect shot. It hits him
square in the face.

Max jumps up a lets out a yelp. He rubs his face and wonders
what the hell happened.

Clint pretends to be sleeping still.

MAX
What the hell?
(Rubs his face)

CLINT
Hey. Keep it down over there. Some
of us are in the recovery position.

MAX
Sorry man. I was dreaming.

CLINT
Me too; a really cool one. I was
getting it on with that big bird of
countdown.

MAX
(Laughing)
Count down.

CLINT
Yeah.

MAX
Rachel Whitely?

CLINT
I don't know her name.

MAX
You are a sick man, she's a mess,
I've often mistaken her for a bloke
and them suit numbers what the
fuck?

CLINT
That's Richard whitely, for fuck's
sake.
Not the host or the brains in
dictionary corner, the bird who
does the letters.

MAX
Ahhh Carol Vordamon. Then again,
She's just as bad.

CLINT
Yeah that's great coming from
fuckin Larry Flint over there.
(Beat)
What happened to that sexy red head
you were smooching with last night?
Did she feel Mr. Elfcock lerking
down below and run for the hills?

MAX
What. That was you.

CLINT
Shit. Are you sure?

MAX
Of course I'm sure. I was out just
for a beer and the beer alone. You
were like a dog on heat in that
nightclub.

CLINT
Yeah? Cool.

MAX
Look at the state of this place.
(Beat)
What time is it?

CLINT
Eight twenty in the AM.

MAX
Shit. KYM is going to be round here
sharpish. Quick help me tidy up.

Max jumps up and starts picking up the rubbish- THE KEBAB
RAPPERS - that cover the floor.

MAX
I don't remember buying this shit?
(Beat)
Are you planning on helping? Or you
just gonna sit their like a turd in
the pan waiting to be flushed away
to its inevitable doom?

CLINT
What? Shit I can't operate till
I've had a hot drink, never mind
that bollocks. So how about it bro?
Your guest is thirsty.

MAX
You're a cheeky git.
BEAT
I'll make us a brew and you can
start to tidy up. OK?

CLINT
I'll Snooch to that. I have seven
sugars and copious amounts of the
white stuff. Milk I mean. What-da
ya-say-Comprenday?

MAX
It's done. Just start cleaning up.

Max heads for the kitchen and Clint leans back in his chair.
He has no intension of cleaning up.

INT. KITCHEN -MORNING

Max rubbing his eyes and suffering from a very bad hangover.
He walks into the kitchen and heads over to the Sink. He
pours him self a glass of water. He drinks the water,
switches the kettle on, and waits for it to boil. Suddenly
the look on Max's face changes. He senses something in the
room. We hear the light sound of crunching cereal. Max slowly
turns round and looks at the Kitchen table.

There is a sexy women sat eating a bowl of cereal. She is
wearing a pair of shorts and a T-shirt. She looks up at Max
and smiles. Max looks back in disbelief. He gives her a
broken smile in return, and walks out of the room.

INT. LOUNGE -MORNING

Clint is still sat back in his chair. He reaches into the
side of the chair and pulls out a porno mag hidden there. His
eyes are fixed on the magazine. He hears Max come in and puts
his hand out ready to receive his drink.

Max stands there looking at Clint with his hand stretched
out. He shakes his head.

MAX
(Calmly)
Clint.

CLINT
(Eyes still on the
magazine)
Yeah.

MAX
Clint-erus.

CLINT
(Looking up)
Don't call me that you know it
winds me up. What the fuck's up?

MAX
How much do you remember about last
night?

CLINT
Everything, practically, why?

MAX
Cool. Good - Good. So you will
remember that pretty blond. You
know. 5ft5, curvy, green eyes,
bushy tail?

CLINT
Yeah I think so.

MAX
Great. Then you will remember
bringing her back here to my fuckin
house last night then wont you.

CLINT
I never brought anyone back here.

MAX
Yes you did.

CLINT
No. I didn't.

MAX
Well who the hell is that sat in my
kitchen at the table eating my
crunchy-nut fuckin cornflakes.

CLINT
Look I never brought anyone back
here. I know I didn't. I can prove
it.

Clint puts his hand in his back pocket and pulls out his
wallet. He takes out a large gold coin condom from his pocket
and shows it to Max.

MAX
What is that?

CLINT
This is Pandora v67.

MAX
What are you on about?

CLINT
I've chosen the path of only poking
the finest birds on the planet.
Because they are the best I use the
best, hence my long running
association with The Pandora. If
she's still there in my back pocket
the next morning, it means I have
shown true spiritual balance and
not shagged the nearest pisst
minger in sight, it also shows I've
not been lucky with a fit
bird?bastard...

MAX
Shut the fuck up.

CLINT
It's the truth my friend. It's a
test of my inner strength.
(Holds out the condom)
This is a direct route to the Jedi
council. Pandora calms my
temptation, shows I'm in tune with
my mediclorians. As long as it's
with me, and it's not been used I
know I'm pure of cock.

MAX
(Shakes head)
What. The. Fuck? What are you on
about you Fuckin loon? Maybe you
didn't use a condom.

CLINT
Impossible. Wouldn't happen.

MAX
Why's that then?

CLINT
When I was nine my dad told me
about his second cousin on his Moms
side. The infamous Billy Brisket.
Anyway Billy went out one night and
met this doll. I mean a real classy
woman. Anyway that night he gets
her back to his place and she
fuck's him. This was no little
"poke under the stairs, where's me
broom handle" crap, I mean the fuck
of life time. A fuck that can make
or brake a man. A fuck of legendary
proportions, one that trandsends
time, language, culture. Destroys
barriers of race, creed, ignorance.
One that could send a mans sack to
the moon and back.

MAX
Sounds classy.

CLINT
Anyway, She fuck's him and leaves
in the middle of the night. Billy
boy wakes up, feeling slightly used
and abused but he goes to work like
any honest working man does. Three
days later he goes to take a piss
and he starts pissin snot.

MAX
What?

CLINT
Snot. He is pissin snot; He goes to
the doctors a day later they had to
amputate his Dick. A week later
both his nad's had to go too.
(Teary eyed, not to be taken
seriously)
That fuck machine turned Billy
Brisket into a fully blown Man
bitch. All man, no cock.

MAX
Shut the fuck up.

CLINT
True story. The act was so un-human
like - plus she had some fucked up
STD - that his plonker was well
truly plonked. Forever.

MAX
Your dad told you this when you
were nine?

CLINT
What can I say? My parents were big
believers in sex education.

MAX
Tell me about it...
BEAT
Fuckin, Lets get back to the
problem at hand. If you never
brought her here and I never who
the fuck did.

CLINT
Wait a minute. Who said you never?

MAX
Me. I'm in love. I'm getting
married.

Max is now putting his on his pants from the night before. He
puts them on. He takes a packet of smokes from the table and
looks for a lighter.

MAX
I never even spoke to a woman last
night. I just drank my drinks and
smoked my smokes.

Max feels his pants for a lighter. He finds one in his side
pocket and pulls it out. As he does a small red card falls
out of his pocket and to the floor.

Clint picks up the card and reads it.

INSERT. LADYBIRDS ESCORTS for whatever you desire.

Clint turns the card and shows it to Max

CLINT
What's this then?

MAX
I don't know.

CLINT
Well it fell out of your pocket.

MAX
But...

CLINT
I'll tell you who brought her here.
It was Mr. "I'm in love." Mr. "I'm
getting married." Mr "I wouldn't
poke Cat Deeley if she came through
that door" Face it man, Capt.
Pinkie wanted one more ride on the
wild slide, and you brought home a
fuckin hooker. May god strike you
down and--

MAX
----But... I.... She... I can't
have. I would have remembered. You
would have remembered.

CLINT
Hey. Speak for yourself man. I
can't remember anything about last
night. Result.

MAX
Me neither.
(Beat)
Wait a minute. You just said you
remembered everything.

CLINT
That was before I realized you had
a sick fuckin addiction to hookers.

MAX
What. I'm not addicted to hookers.
I've never even been with a hooker
intentionally. She can't be a
hooker not in my house. She can't
be. Kym's home soon. She can't be a
fuckin hooker. Besides she doesn't
look like a hooker. She
looks...good?

CLINT
What listen to your self? You're
being irrational. Have you seen
Pretty Women?

MAX
What?

CLINT
Don't let the looks fool you man.
These can be vicious bitches I
telling ya. Let me take a look.

INT. KITCHEN -MORNING

Max walks into the Kitchen walks up to the kettle and
switches it on again. He takes a look at the girl who is
still eating her cornflakes. He smiles at her she smiles back
and he leaves the room.

INT. LOUNGE -MORNING

MAX
So? What do you think?

CLINT
She's the dictionary definition of
hooker all right. Your fucked.

MAX
Shit. That's it. I am fucked. If
KYM finds her I'm telling you now
she's going to leave me. Worse
still she'll probably beat me up.
(Beat)
That's it. I'm kicking the hoe out.

CLINT
Wait a minute. Are you crazy? Cos
these crazy Hoe's are. You go in
there, try, and kick here out. She
might go crazy. She could have a
weapon or something. Even if she
does leave quietly what's to stop
her coming back and telling Kym. Or
hitting you for cash every time she
want's. I'm telling you man,
blackmail is a good little earner
for her kind.

MAX
How the hell do you know all this?

CLINT
Hey man. I read the papers. I watch
Sky news, I'm down with the street
shit.

MAX
OK then. What do you suggest wide
boy?

CLINT
We should negotiate. Pay her off
now. Let her leave on good terms.

MAX
I don't know.

CLINT
I do. Trust me.

MAX
OK come on, but we've got to get
the skates on man.

INT. KITCHEN -MORNING

The two guys enter the kitchen nervously. The woman is still
sat at the table finishing her Corn flakes. She watches the
guys as they approach her at the table.

Clint walks over and takes a seat at the table he looks at
the women and gives her a knowing smile and nods. The women
smiles back.

Clint doesn't make it to the table and heads for the kettle.
He switches it on and turns to the women. The three of them
just share an awkward silence until the women speaks.

WOMEN
Hey thanks for letting me spend the
night by the way. It was really too
late to get a motel.

The guys don't say a word.

WOMEN
No. Really thanks guys cos you
could have been a real ass holes
about it.

Clint decides to break the guys silence and say something.

CLINT
(Grinning)
Really it was our pleasure. We like
handing out pleasure, just like
yourself...

WOMEN
Yeah.
(Beat)
OK.

Max gives Clint a nod as to say ask her about the money.

CLINT
So how much do you charge for
professional session.

Max can't believe what CLINT'S just said.

WOMEN
A minimum fee of 30. But it usually
doesn't take me longer than an hour
to do my thing.

MAX
Thirty? Is that all?

WOMEN
It's the standard.

CLINT
So what's the average amount of
clients you have a day?

WOMEN
What? A day? Oh I'm not to sure.

CLINT
A rough guesstimate?

WOMEN
Well on a good day I can do about
six or seven clients...anymore and
fatigue starts setting in...it
nackers me out sometimes.

MAX
Six or seven? Sweet frickin Jesus.

CLINT
You trying to get'em all in before
its too late? That seems alot.

WOMEN
You could say that. My fingers
won't be this nimble forever.

CLINT
Oh your a finger women eh?

WOMEN
I think natural is best; Just the
basic tools. I don't use any
machines/appliances - products or
even lubricants for that matter.

CLINT
(Amazed)
Sweet Fuckin Jesus.

MAX
Hey. Hey. Hey. Watch your mouth
will you. Hook-ladies present.

CLINT
What? She doesn't care.

WOMEN
(To Max)
No. It's OK. Really.

MAX
Still watch your fuckin mouth.
Shit.. Oh..
(To women)
Sorry

WOMEN
Don't worry about it. Some of my
other clients are bit gobby too.

MAX
OK. Erm, Look I don't remember your
name. It was a heavy night last
night.

WOMEN
It was. You to where getting a
little rambunctious. My names
Jasmine by the way.

MAX
OK. Jasmine we need to talk.

JASMINE
Is it OK if I just go and get
dressed first, go and put one of my
numbers on?

MAX
Erm? Yeah?sure

CLINT
I'm not bothered. Are you bothered
Max?

MAX still can't believe what's going on.

JASMINE
(Jokingly)
I insist. I'll be right back.

Jasmine stands up and leaves the room.

Clint checks out her arse as she leaves.

CLINT
I'm surprise Pandora v67 stayed in
last night. I must be getting
pretty powerful..

Max goes over to the table and starts talking to Clint.

MAX
(Whispering)
Dude. This isn't exactly going to
fuckin plan here. I thought you
were gonna ask her about the pay
off. Alls we know is that she takes
it up the arse o-naturel and she's
nimble with a fingers. We've got to
get her out of here now.

CLINT
Hold the fuckin phone here Storm
Trooper. This is your gig, your
solving this prob-lem-o. I'm just
Emperor Palpatine watching the
battle from the Death Star, out of
harms way an all. Saying that
though, I wouldn't mind riding
through her Trench using only the
force to guide me torpedo in. Dark
or light, good or evil, destroying
my mind these decisions are.

MAX looks a CLINT with a WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT FACE.

MAX
Look man I'm no good at this lady
chatting stuff; I'm ruff since I've
been with KYM for so long. What we
gonna do?

CLINT
OK. First things fuckin last. We
have got to make her feel at ease.
Jedi mind trick the hoe, create a
false sense of security. I mean
lets face it.
That crazy crack whore is probably
shooting up as we speak to subdue
her psychotic tendencies.

MAX
What?

CLINT
Shhhhhhhh.

MAX
(Whispering)
What the fuck?

CLINT
Look. That's how these people get
through the day. You try fuckin
seven people and keeping a fresh
smile on your face. Its not like
selling arse is like selling
mangos. Now; as I was saying. If
she comes in here jacked up we have
got to make her feel at ease. Then
when she least expects it we'll ask
about a pay off. We'll catch her of
guard. We'll get a better price
that way.

MAX
Well how do we get her at ease?

CLINT
I don't know. Offer her doughnut or
make her a brew. Ask her about her
work. Second thoughts don't ask her
about her work. Just general stuff.
But most of all act cool as freeze
dried mutt chunks.

Jasmine suddenly enters the kitchen and the guys sit up
strait. She is dressed in a short skirt and tight top. We see
she is carrying a black sports bag.

She walks over to the table. Puts the bag on the floor and
takes a seat.

MAX
So, would you like a cuppa?

CLINT buts in.

CLINT
He makes a mean cuppa. The best tea
I've ever had. No question. As a
matter of fact can I have brew too?

MAX
Yeah, sure, whatever?

TURNING TO JASMINE.

MAX
So, how do we take it? I mean your
tea, how do you like your tea.

CLINTS butts in again.

CLINT
7 sugars load's a-milk.

MAX
Will you shut the fu--

CLINT
(Under his breath)
Hey remember Chill Winston.

MAX
(Under breath)
Point taken, Point taken, Point
taken. Right.

Turning back to JASMINE.

JAMSINE
No sugar, black

MAX goes to the sink to brew up.

CLINT
Are you preferring the taste of the
black variety?

JASMINE
I'm on a diet. Milk's very
fattening.

CLINT
Yeah you need to keep up the old
stamina don't ya.

JASMINE
I suppose.

Facing the sink still.

MAX
(Under breath)
Jesus?

BEAT
So what's in the bag?

JASMINE
Just my tools of the trade.

MAX
Like a SWISS ARMY knife - Bag.

JASMINE
Kind off yeah, you never know w

[redlum]

"Well who the hell is that sat in my
kitchen at the table eating my
crunchy-nut fuckin cornflakes."

I loved this line.

Its a pretty good short. My criticism's would be that some of the dialogue isn't quite natural enough. Some of the stuff they say is funny but it's almost like blackadder - irreverant humour blended into normal conversation, but it gets a bit annoying after a while.I find it really hard to judge pacing from a script it probably wouldn't be a problem.

I think there's a good basis here and the punch line is very good and nicely rounded but I think it will be made or broken by who you get to play Clint (great name) and Max.

Also, its funny, I just wrote some force and yoda gags into my script!

My suggestions (if you care), would be to put some imperfections into the dialogue, I just think its too slick at the moment. Alternatively make sure the actors put some hesitations etc into the dialogue.

IMO it could be an alright short. Could be a very good short - mostly depends on the actors.

Good luck Despin and good work.

Regards
George

------------------
"Sounds like loser-talk to me"

[Stan The Man]

not bad. could do with a zombie or two...

------------------
Smoke and Mirrors...oh and gaffa tape.

[Rar]

I've only read upto "We are inside a very tidy bedroom." but so far soo good.

------------------

[Stan The Man]

maybe the girls can be zombies?

------------------
Smoke and Mirrors...oh and gaffa tape.

[redlum]

What the fuck is with this zombie guy?

------------------
"Sounds like loser-talk to me"

[Generic Skinhead]

Good stuff Despin. Its a lot more polished than the first draft obviously and is quite amusing. I think I like the line about crumbling like a digestive biscuit the best.

My only concern is that it is very dialogue heavy, but I'm sure little touches like your fly on the wall will make it visually interesting too. Well Done.

------------------
Generic Skinhead: just another "know it all, right on film student." www.geocities.com/genskin

[RoyBaty2002]

THE KABAB RAPPERS??? Are they going to do the sound track?

Seriously though its an excellent effort. A word about the dialogue though. I've found when writing comedy that you cant be 'on' all the time. If you try to write every line to be funny then the pacing gets thrown off. I find it better to identify the good jokes and tone down the rest to show them off.
Good work mate.

------------------
I've seen things you people wouldn't believe....

[deanl]

Hey there.

Again thanks for the comments (to the ones who actualy took the time to read it).

I know what you mean Mr Baty it was more like that in the first draft a few strait lines then a joke. But then I realised this is only a short film and not that much actualy happens realy. Its just these guys talking and getting themselves more and more worked up. So we went in and tried to make as many jokes as possable hoping that at least some people will find something funny and some point. For a feature film I think this kind of dialog would be to much to handle but for this short film I think its going to work.

Is there anything you guys think just didnt work. Stuff that didnt make sense. And what did you find very funny. If anything.

Despin out.

------------------
You call them morons. I call them friends.

[RoyBaty2002]

One thing that has just occured to me. Some of the earlier dialogue between the two guys is a bit too, 'cool and trendy', both of them have witty lines to say. Maybe if you made MAX a little more geekish, then the contrast between him and his friend would stand out more. He could be the avarage joe who fell on his feet, and his mates a bit jealous of him. And the porn mag joke would work better.

------------------
I've seen things you people wouldn't believe....